It has been a few months since the ex and I have split and the only pangs of sadness, of loss that I get now is when I go to a friend's home or when I go out with friends and they have their husband there. Now, you have to realize that B. never went anywhere with me. It wasn't that he was completely anti-social, it was that he really never had the desire to do anything that didn't directly benefit him, which is in a way amusing for me to realize because politically and socially he is very involved with the community. He enjoyed doing this though. It was something that made him feel complete and that he would spend hours doing. Going out with me and my friends or being social with people who weren't his own friends wasn't enjoyable so, he did not do it.
This started pretty early in our relationship. We had been going out pretty frequently. Bars, restaurants, movies, the usual dating stuff. Looking back though, it was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to eat and who he wanted to see. I am such an easy going gal that I always said, "Sure!" to whatever he suggested. I am the kind of person who can have fun in pretty much any situation. I'm flexible. After a while I noticed that every time I suggested we go out with my friends and their boyfriends, he always had a excuse to not come or if I could get him to come, he'd be a complete ass and not talk to anyone or just answer in one word answers. This progressed to weddings, family parties and pretty much any function that wasn't directly related to his school, his friends or his organizing. I used to cry, beg him to come. I hated being the only one there alone. If it was something he HAD to go to (for example his own brother's wedding) he acted like a complete jerk and would make me crazy!! Normally, a get up and go type of guy, he would stay in bed all morning, whine about having to go, when finally getting up 20 minutes before we had to leave, he wouldn't have a clean shirt, clean socks, his suit wouldn't be ironed, etc. He was a total fucking 14 year old. I can't even explain how upset that I would get. This went on for years. His mom said to him, "You better worry about the day she stops asking you." And she was right. I stopped. I was numb. I truly did not care what he did. It was easier to be alone than to have to deal with it. I have heard so many times, "Oh, your IMAGINARY husband? hahahaha!!" Ha fucking ha.
Over the years, the routine of being married but, on my own became who I was. People stopped asking for him. The pain wasn't so fresh. I stopped making excuses about how he couldn't make it because of how busy he was and what great work he was doing.
Now, the pain is creeping back in. We've been apart physically for months and I was done in my heart years before that but, I all of a sudden miss having a partner. Someone to share things with on a daily basis. Someone to go to the movies with. Someone to sit in a backyard and drink beers with with friends. I thought I was numb to it. I thought I had made peace with this part of my life. B. is not the person I want to do these things with at all. He has hurt me way too much over the years to even be thought of in that role. It's the partnership I crave. I am actually jealous of my friends and their marriages. Not in a way that I would ever want them to have any less, but in a way that hurts my heart a little more every time.
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