Sitting on the beach in my favorite place in the world. My grandpa built this cabin in the 1940s and we are lucky that it is still in our family. It is a long trip, but it is the one place in the world that I can reboot. Leave all the crap back in NY and gather up all the good stuff in my life and fill those holes.
Thinking about the last year and everything I have gone through. I cannot believe that I have survived. I have reached what I think (hope) was the lowest part of my life and I am still here. In a lot of ways I think I am better. I have lost a marriage but, gained so much more. I think I am a better parent than I was a year ago. I never realized what a bubble I was in. I was in complete survival mode. I like to think that I am a giving and loving person, but the last few years, I have been unable to give anything more than absolutely necessary. At work, I would try to be a giving midwife. I know that I succeeded some of the time, but I know that it was no where near what I had been able to do in the past. I look back at some of my actions as a mom and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I really made so many decisions that make me cringe right now. I am happy that I no longer recognize that person anymore. I look in the mirror and see someone new. Someone ready to move forward. I finally see a grown up.
It all begins here. This place, spending time with my family, the people who have always been here for me even if I couldn't see it. Here with my daughter. Focusing on her. Trying to give her what I feel that I didn't/couldn't when I was married. It's funny how I stayed in it longer than I should have because of her when the best gift in the world was for me to be on my own.
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