Growing up

Sitting on the beach in my favorite place in the world. My grandpa built this cabin in the 1940s and we are lucky that it is still in our family. It is a long trip, but it is the one place in the world that I can reboot. Leave all the crap back in NY and gather up all the good stuff in my life and fill those holes.

Thinking about the last year and everything I have gone through. I cannot believe that I have survived. I have reached what I think (hope) was the lowest part of my life and I am still here. In a lot of ways I think I am better. I have lost a marriage but, gained so much more. I think I am a better parent than I was a year ago. I never realized what a bubble I was in. I was in complete survival mode. I like to think that I am a giving and loving person, but the last few years, I have been unable to give anything more than absolutely necessary. At work, I would try to be a giving midwife. I know that I succeeded some of the time, but I know that it was no where near what I had been able to do in the past. I look back at some of my actions as a mom and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I really made so many decisions that make me cringe right now. I am happy that I no longer recognize that person anymore. I look in the mirror and see someone new. Someone ready to move forward. I finally see a grown up.

It all begins here. This place, spending time with my family, the people who have always been here for me even if I couldn't see it. Here with my daughter. Focusing on her. Trying to give her what I feel that I didn't/couldn't when I was married. It's funny how I stayed in it longer than I should have because of her when the best gift in the world was for me to be on my own.

Married and Alone

It has been a few months since the ex and I have split and the only pangs of sadness, of loss that I get now is when I go to a friend's home or when I go out with friends and they have their husband there. Now, you have to realize that B. never went anywhere with me. It wasn't that he was completely anti-social, it was that he really never had the desire to do anything that didn't directly benefit him, which is in a way amusing for me to realize because politically and socially he is very involved with the community. He enjoyed doing this though. It was something that made him feel complete and that he would spend hours doing. Going out with me and my friends or being social with people who weren't his own friends wasn't enjoyable so, he did not do it.

This started pretty early in our relationship. We had been going out pretty frequently. Bars, restaurants, movies, the usual dating stuff. Looking back though, it was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to eat and who he wanted to see. I am such an easy going gal that I always said, "Sure!" to whatever he suggested. I am the kind of person who can have fun in pretty much any situation. I'm flexible. After a while I noticed that every time I suggested we go out with my friends and their boyfriends, he always had a excuse to not come or if I could get him to come, he'd be a complete ass and not talk to anyone or just answer in one word answers. This progressed to weddings, family parties and pretty much any function that wasn't directly related to his school, his friends or his organizing. I used to cry, beg him to come. I hated being the only one there alone. If it was something he HAD to go to (for example his own brother's wedding) he acted like a complete jerk and would make me crazy!! Normally, a get up and go type of guy, he would stay in bed all morning, whine about having to go, when finally getting up 20 minutes before we had to leave, he wouldn't have a clean shirt, clean socks, his suit wouldn't be ironed, etc. He was a total fucking 14 year old. I can't even explain how upset that I would get. This went on for years. His mom said to him, "You better worry about the day she stops asking you." And she was right. I stopped. I was numb. I truly did not care what he did. It was easier to be alone than to have to deal with it. I have heard so many times, "Oh, your IMAGINARY husband? hahahaha!!" Ha fucking ha.

Over the years, the routine of being married but, on my own became who I was. People stopped asking for him. The pain wasn't so fresh. I stopped making excuses about how he couldn't make it because of how busy he was and what great work he was doing.

Now, the pain is creeping back in. We've been apart physically for months and I was done in my heart years before that but, I all of a sudden miss having a partner. Someone to share things with on a daily basis. Someone to go to the movies with. Someone to sit in a backyard and drink beers with with friends. I thought I was numb to it. I thought I had made peace with this part of my life. B. is not the person I want to do these things with at all. He has hurt me way too much over the years to even be thought of in that role. It's the partnership I crave. I am actually jealous of my friends and their marriages. Not in a way that I would ever want them to have any less, but in a way that hurts my heart a little more every time.

The internet comes to my home

We were all excited. B. had decided to go back to school. I was working in a job gaining experience before doing my Master's. We were making some "us" friends. I adored his family and he tolerated mine. Sex was amazing. We were having fun. To enter the modern world, we decided it was time to invest in a home computer. The day my orange iMac came into my apartment and we plugged in the phone line, everything started its slow descent. At first we were having fun on there together. I am no prude and I have enjoyed lots of porn in my day, both solo and with my hubby, so transition to internet porn seemed natural. The thing that really made it ok is that we were doing it together. We would laugh, get turned on and have a ball. Things seemed alright for a while. Between his school and my work, i have to say that at first I didn't really notice the slipping of our sex life. It wasn't abrupt. There were no warning signs.

Here's the part of the story that I look like such a fucking idiot. B. was handling the bills and we had a joint account so I never paid attention. Why would I? I had come from a household where my dad worked and paid the bills and my mom raised us and pretty much had an allowance to take care of the house. This was pre-ATM days. My dad wasn't controlling and I am sure that she would have had access to cash as needed. I trusted my husband to take care of me like my dad did.

Then I came home and the phone was turned off. What? Why would that be? On my salary alone, we were ok even with him in full time school. So, I called the phone company and there was an outstanding balance of over $2500. ummm.... how was this possible? This was pre cell phones and had to wait for him to get home. He was full of excuses. Missed payments, interest rates, international calls to a friend. I was so fucking stupid. Let's say trusting and naive. It makes me feel better. Oh, and I would like to mention that I was 23 at the time. Makes me feel even better. So, I worked extra shifts to pay the bill and we were back down to a zero balance and the promise that he would stay more on top of things.

Six months later...phone is off

Now this is fucking ridiculous. Even trusting, naive me knew that this was not a normal amount of money for a landline! I called the phone company requesting an itemization of the bill and it was the same thing over and over. iFriends. I was crushed. Porn was one thing, but for him to be interacting with other people, felt like a huge betrayal. I was able to get the phone company to get rid of the charges and block the number from the dial up, which I never told him I did. He thought I paid for it.

At this point, I noticed that our sex life was really starting to fade away. He needed to stay up doing work and would run out of bed first thing in the morning. I was sure it was me. I was fat and not feeling good about myself. He met and married me fat so, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the issue, but I think I was just trying to deny that it could be anything else. I would catch him masturbating at night and I would be so hurt. Now, I am not anti masturbation AT ALL. I think it's a human need and people should partake regularly. I just felt like he had this sex drive, but it wasn't for me. Outside of my marriage I was extremely outspoken. Had no problem fighting with my siblings, defending my self at work as needed, taking a stand for things that I believed in. Why I turned into this meek little pitiful mouse when he was involved, I'll never know. Anytime I brought it up, he totally blew me off, making me feel like I was the one who was wrong. Couldn't I see how busy he was?

The phone bill happened a third and final time. I fucking lost it for the first time in our marriage. Well over $9000 in dial up internet charges in a year. I was able to get rid of the last charges because they were supposed to block them and they didn't. My problem then and it is until this day is that I don't hold on tho anger. Now, maybe this means that I'll live to 100, but it does lead to a roller coaster of a life. I still wonder what would have happened if I just called it quits then. I had more than enough reason. But, I was married and marriage was forever, through good and bad. And he was such a good man outside of all of this. I rationalized it by saying, ok, this is just online. It is just fantasy. I fantasized, I liked porn, but I liked sharing it with him. To enhance what we had. Not this sneaky shit that I know added to his excitement.

I remember being a self righteous young woman saying I would NEVER stand for this...I would NEVER stand for that in a marriage. It's amazing what you will put up with and where it leads you.

Things I know

I've made some decisions in my life that I haven't always been proud of. I'm trying to let go of them. To be at peace, but as I lay in my bed, they creep in. They take the place of joyful thoughts and make me start questioning the things that I know are true.

Things I know:

1. B. does not love me anymore and hasn't for some time. Not sure when the transition occurred. Maybe writing this will help me figure it out. Maybe it just doesn't fucking matter.

2. I am a good mom. I need to say this because I am insecure in this fact.

3. I am good at my job. In fact, I kick ass :) One place in the world I have an amazing amount of confidence.

4. I do not like being alone. I want a partner. Even when I was married to B., I was mostly alone. He'd be gone mostly during the week for school that was 2 hrs away. When he came home, I tried to find fun stuff to do and he never could/wanted to. I have friends of the family who "thought I made him up!" We were together 17 years and no one knew him. He never went anywhere with me. I want someone who wants to be with me. To laugh with me. Who actually enjoys me! I know so many people who do and I pick the one who doesn't to marry. Go figure.

5. I have a self imposed bubble around me since he left. I let my daughter in and one other person who I love dearly. My friends have had new babies that I've seen once, I've blown off invites to parties, not answered calls. I probably have spent more time Social Networking than engaging in the life that I do have.

6. Most important, I know that I am ready for change. To let people whom I know love me, back in. To evaluate the relationships I have and move on if they are keeping me stagnant. To find friends who will help me grow and respect and love the changes that I have made in my life. To find that girl who was so full of light and life and could make people laugh until they cry. I miss her so freaking much.

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Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. I am so, so sad. I think about the last few Father's days that we shared together. How we went to Clearwater Festival and spent our day listening to music and people watching. When things were good, they were great. I am thinking about all the years that we tried to get pregnant. The tests, the surgeries, the medications, the jacking off into a cup!, the multiple IVFs. Everything we went through so we could be parents. So that we could share days like today together. I am thinking about the day I found out about our now daughter and I called him. He said, "Bring me home that baby!" There were times that I think he wanted to be a dad more than I wanted to be a mom. It was one of the things that held me to him for so long. To watch him with our daughter. To see their bond grow. To see them connect in a way that I still don't think she connects with me. I was almost jealous of their relationship. I was so jealous at times of him being the stay at home dad. I should have been grateful that she didn't have to be in daycare with strangers, but instead, I was resentful. Their bond grew and grew. I felt sometimes on the outside of the 2 of them. It has only been since the break up that I really am beginning to feel like a mother, with all the responsibilities that come a along with it. Not that I didn't do the actions before, but if I worked a bunch and then came home, I could sleep. If I wanted to go out with friends, I could. He was always home. He very rarely went out. It was like he was the wife and I was the husband. I really didn't ever want that. It just evolved there. It got to a point that I didn't want to be around him at all. I would come home, drop off my stuff, grab the kid and go. We would go on playdates and do all the fun stuff, but I feel like I missed out on a lot of the domesticity of motherhood. He got to do all of that. Today, I am at work and he is spending the day with our daughter and his girlfriend and I am so sad. That was supposed to be my spot. My place. We were supposed to be a family forever. We worked so hard to have it all and he fucked it up. Now, he has his ready made little family and I am alone.

In the beginning

We met at at bar 5 days after my 21st birthday. He was funny and smart and he liked ME! I couldn't believe it. I had always been the friend. The girl who guys love to drink with but, they'd want to date my best friends. Forever Eponine to many a Marius. So, when B. asked me for my number and said he was going to call me the next day, I was like, "Sure, you do that." I was convinced that he wouldn't. He did and he asked me out. It was the beginning of a whirlwind relationship. He was so intense. So insistant that we were meant to be together. I look back and wonder if I was ever really in love with him. He told me that we were going to be together forever after 2 weeeks of dating. I told him he was nuts. That we just met and he had no idea what the future held for us. He stood up, told me that he fully intended for us to stay together, have a family and that if I wasn't on the same page, that there was no use in continuing. He then walked out of my dorm room. This was after 2 WEEKS! He didn't call me for 3 days and finally I called him, apologizing and telling him that I wanted to be with him. This was the beginning of the pattern of our relationship. What he said went. He was never outright mean. In fact, he could be amazingly sweet, but he was so punishing and controling in his silence that I always caved and apologized, even when there was nothing for me to apologize for.

We moved in together at 6 months of dating and were engaged at 9. Everyone seemed OK with this. My parents were thrilled. I was 21 years old and knew him a few months. Why they didn't question this decision, I'll never know. We did have an engagement that lasted 1 1/2 years but that's because I wanted a big wedding and he decided to change jobs while we were planning. I would have gone to City Hall that day if he told me that's what we were going to do. I had always been such an outgoing, confident person. What was it about him that made me so easily manipulated? I was in LOVE and he LOVED me. He was teaching me about sex and how to enjoy it. I could not see past him. I could not see anyone else wanting me the way he did. It was so wonderful to be wanted. I held on to that feeling so much that it clouded anything he did to me later on. So, 2 years almost to the day after we met, we were married. I really believed it would be forever.

Where to begin

I have decided to start this blog to bascially catch up with my life. The events of the past 17 years are so overwhelming to me that now, as I am trying to heal, I think that writing it down will help me and maybe even help others. My story is a crazy one. I have heard from so many people on so many occasions that I was nuts for staying as long as I did...but, you can only go when you are ready. No one but you can make that decision.

In a nutshell, I found out that my husband was having "inappropriate realationships" on the internet about 5 years into our relationship. I will go into this more in detail. What amazes me is my inability to stand up for myself. The fear I had of hurting his feelings by confronting him. As if his feelings were more important than mine.

I want this blog to be more than just about him. I want it to be about me. Where I was, where I am and where I am going. I want this written down. I want to see the proof of my srength in front of me.

So, you may get stories from the past, stories from mothering my amazing daughter, stories from working towards healing and new relationships.