Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. I am so, so sad. I think about the last few Father's days that we shared together. How we went to Clearwater Festival and spent our day listening to music and people watching. When things were good, they were great. I am thinking about all the years that we tried to get pregnant. The tests, the surgeries, the medications, the jacking off into a cup!, the multiple IVFs. Everything we went through so we could be parents. So that we could share days like today together. I am thinking about the day I found out about our now daughter and I called him. He said, "Bring me home that baby!" There were times that I think he wanted to be a dad more than I wanted to be a mom. It was one of the things that held me to him for so long. To watch him with our daughter. To see their bond grow. To see them connect in a way that I still don't think she connects with me. I was almost jealous of their relationship. I was so jealous at times of him being the stay at home dad. I should have been grateful that she didn't have to be in daycare with strangers, but instead, I was resentful. Their bond grew and grew. I felt sometimes on the outside of the 2 of them. It has only been since the break up that I really am beginning to feel like a mother, with all the responsibilities that come a along with it. Not that I didn't do the actions before, but if I worked a bunch and then came home, I could sleep. If I wanted to go out with friends, I could. He was always home. He very rarely went out. It was like he was the wife and I was the husband. I really didn't ever want that. It just evolved there. It got to a point that I didn't want to be around him at all. I would come home, drop off my stuff, grab the kid and go. We would go on playdates and do all the fun stuff, but I feel like I missed out on a lot of the domesticity of motherhood. He got to do all of that. Today, I am at work and he is spending the day with our daughter and his girlfriend and I am so sad. That was supposed to be my spot. My place. We were supposed to be a family forever. We worked so hard to have it all and he fucked it up. Now, he has his ready made little family and I am alone.