Things I know

I've made some decisions in my life that I haven't always been proud of. I'm trying to let go of them. To be at peace, but as I lay in my bed, they creep in. They take the place of joyful thoughts and make me start questioning the things that I know are true.

Things I know:

1. B. does not love me anymore and hasn't for some time. Not sure when the transition occurred. Maybe writing this will help me figure it out. Maybe it just doesn't fucking matter.

2. I am a good mom. I need to say this because I am insecure in this fact.

3. I am good at my job. In fact, I kick ass :) One place in the world I have an amazing amount of confidence.

4. I do not like being alone. I want a partner. Even when I was married to B., I was mostly alone. He'd be gone mostly during the week for school that was 2 hrs away. When he came home, I tried to find fun stuff to do and he never could/wanted to. I have friends of the family who "thought I made him up!" We were together 17 years and no one knew him. He never went anywhere with me. I want someone who wants to be with me. To laugh with me. Who actually enjoys me! I know so many people who do and I pick the one who doesn't to marry. Go figure.

5. I have a self imposed bubble around me since he left. I let my daughter in and one other person who I love dearly. My friends have had new babies that I've seen once, I've blown off invites to parties, not answered calls. I probably have spent more time Social Networking than engaging in the life that I do have.

6. Most important, I know that I am ready for change. To let people whom I know love me, back in. To evaluate the relationships I have and move on if they are keeping me stagnant. To find friends who will help me grow and respect and love the changes that I have made in my life. To find that girl who was so full of light and life and could make people laugh until they cry. I miss her so freaking much.

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