Growing up

Sitting on the beach in my favorite place in the world. My grandpa built this cabin in the 1940s and we are lucky that it is still in our family. It is a long trip, but it is the one place in the world that I can reboot. Leave all the crap back in NY and gather up all the good stuff in my life and fill those holes.

Thinking about the last year and everything I have gone through. I cannot believe that I have survived. I have reached what I think (hope) was the lowest part of my life and I am still here. In a lot of ways I think I am better. I have lost a marriage but, gained so much more. I think I am a better parent than I was a year ago. I never realized what a bubble I was in. I was in complete survival mode. I like to think that I am a giving and loving person, but the last few years, I have been unable to give anything more than absolutely necessary. At work, I would try to be a giving midwife. I know that I succeeded some of the time, but I know that it was no where near what I had been able to do in the past. I look back at some of my actions as a mom and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I really made so many decisions that make me cringe right now. I am happy that I no longer recognize that person anymore. I look in the mirror and see someone new. Someone ready to move forward. I finally see a grown up.

It all begins here. This place, spending time with my family, the people who have always been here for me even if I couldn't see it. Here with my daughter. Focusing on her. Trying to give her what I feel that I didn't/couldn't when I was married. It's funny how I stayed in it longer than I should have because of her when the best gift in the world was for me to be on my own.

Married and Alone

It has been a few months since the ex and I have split and the only pangs of sadness, of loss that I get now is when I go to a friend's home or when I go out with friends and they have their husband there. Now, you have to realize that B. never went anywhere with me. It wasn't that he was completely anti-social, it was that he really never had the desire to do anything that didn't directly benefit him, which is in a way amusing for me to realize because politically and socially he is very involved with the community. He enjoyed doing this though. It was something that made him feel complete and that he would spend hours doing. Going out with me and my friends or being social with people who weren't his own friends wasn't enjoyable so, he did not do it.

This started pretty early in our relationship. We had been going out pretty frequently. Bars, restaurants, movies, the usual dating stuff. Looking back though, it was always where he wanted to go, what he wanted to eat and who he wanted to see. I am such an easy going gal that I always said, "Sure!" to whatever he suggested. I am the kind of person who can have fun in pretty much any situation. I'm flexible. After a while I noticed that every time I suggested we go out with my friends and their boyfriends, he always had a excuse to not come or if I could get him to come, he'd be a complete ass and not talk to anyone or just answer in one word answers. This progressed to weddings, family parties and pretty much any function that wasn't directly related to his school, his friends or his organizing. I used to cry, beg him to come. I hated being the only one there alone. If it was something he HAD to go to (for example his own brother's wedding) he acted like a complete jerk and would make me crazy!! Normally, a get up and go type of guy, he would stay in bed all morning, whine about having to go, when finally getting up 20 minutes before we had to leave, he wouldn't have a clean shirt, clean socks, his suit wouldn't be ironed, etc. He was a total fucking 14 year old. I can't even explain how upset that I would get. This went on for years. His mom said to him, "You better worry about the day she stops asking you." And she was right. I stopped. I was numb. I truly did not care what he did. It was easier to be alone than to have to deal with it. I have heard so many times, "Oh, your IMAGINARY husband? hahahaha!!" Ha fucking ha.

Over the years, the routine of being married but, on my own became who I was. People stopped asking for him. The pain wasn't so fresh. I stopped making excuses about how he couldn't make it because of how busy he was and what great work he was doing.

Now, the pain is creeping back in. We've been apart physically for months and I was done in my heart years before that but, I all of a sudden miss having a partner. Someone to share things with on a daily basis. Someone to go to the movies with. Someone to sit in a backyard and drink beers with with friends. I thought I was numb to it. I thought I had made peace with this part of my life. B. is not the person I want to do these things with at all. He has hurt me way too much over the years to even be thought of in that role. It's the partnership I crave. I am actually jealous of my friends and their marriages. Not in a way that I would ever want them to have any less, but in a way that hurts my heart a little more every time.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. I am so, so sad. I think about the last few Father's days that we shared together. How we went to Clearwater Festival and spent our day listening to music and people watching. When things were good, they were great. I am thinking about all the years that we tried to get pregnant. The tests, the surgeries, the medications, the jacking off into a cup!, the multiple IVFs. Everything we went through so we could be parents. So that we could share days like today together. I am thinking about the day I found out about our now daughter and I called him. He said, "Bring me home that baby!" There were times that I think he wanted to be a dad more than I wanted to be a mom. It was one of the things that held me to him for so long. To watch him with our daughter. To see their bond grow. To see them connect in a way that I still don't think she connects with me. I was almost jealous of their relationship. I was so jealous at times of him being the stay at home dad. I should have been grateful that she didn't have to be in daycare with strangers, but instead, I was resentful. Their bond grew and grew. I felt sometimes on the outside of the 2 of them. It has only been since the break up that I really am beginning to feel like a mother, with all the responsibilities that come a along with it. Not that I didn't do the actions before, but if I worked a bunch and then came home, I could sleep. If I wanted to go out with friends, I could. He was always home. He very rarely went out. It was like he was the wife and I was the husband. I really didn't ever want that. It just evolved there. It got to a point that I didn't want to be around him at all. I would come home, drop off my stuff, grab the kid and go. We would go on playdates and do all the fun stuff, but I feel like I missed out on a lot of the domesticity of motherhood. He got to do all of that. Today, I am at work and he is spending the day with our daughter and his girlfriend and I am so sad. That was supposed to be my spot. My place. We were supposed to be a family forever. We worked so hard to have it all and he fucked it up. Now, he has his ready made little family and I am alone.